Addiction’s Frequent Phrase: ‘I’m in Control’
In psychotherapeutic practice with individuals striving to negotiate their relationship with addiction, a phrase recurs repeatedly:
“I’m in control.”
I encounter it very frequently, and almost never do I hear it as a sign of weakness. On the contrary, I view it as a human endeavor for stability, normalcy, and self-determination. It is natural for an individual to want to feel in control, even when struggling with something as complex as an addictive behavior.
Simultaneously, this particular phrase often functions as a common voice of addiction. A voice that reassures, blurs, or conceals. In this article, we explore why it appears so often, what it truly means, and how narrative therapy helps individuals reconnect with their own voice and personal agency.
Why Addiction Often ‘Whispers’ That There Is Control
Addiction uses the phrase ‘I’m in control’ as a strategy to remain in the background.
This specific thought often arises when the individual:
• attempts to avoid the anxiety or fear of change
• desires to maintain an image of self-restraint
• feels that if they ‘open up’ about the issue, they will need to confront painful emotions
• fears the loss of normalcy
• wishes to protect themselves from shame or self-criticism
None of these indicate weakness. They indicate an effort to survive. Addiction merely capitalizes on these needs and creates a convenient narrative:
“Don’t worry, there’s no reason for change.”
The problem is not that the individual is ‘lying to themselves’. The problem is that the voice of addiction is confused with their own voice.
Narrative Therapy: The Separation Between the Individual and Addiction
One of the most useful tools in narrative therapy is externalizing dialogue.
In this approach:
• addiction is treated as a separate influence,
• not as a characteristic of personality.
In this way, a new space opens up: the space where the individual can recognize their own true voice.
Often, this leads to questions such as:
• When does the voice of addiction grow stronger?
• At what moments does my own voice become clearer?
• Which of my values want to be heard?
Change begins not from opposition, but from clarification.
Personal Agency: Small Indications That Our Own Story Is Reviving
Personal agency, the ability to choose and direct our lives, does not disappear in addiction. It often merely becomes obscured.
Its reappearance can be subtle but significant:
• a pause before an impulsive act
• a moment of mindfulness
• a thought that asks: “Does this help me?”
• a small change in the way we speak to ourselves
• an acknowledgment of difficulty without self-blame
These small signs compose a new narrative: the narrative where the individual once again has influence over their life.
The real question is not “who is in control.”
In the realm of addictions, the discussion is often limited to whether the individual ‘has control’. However, this dichotomy (having/not having control) is restrictive and often unfair.
The essential question is:
What story about myself do I want to live in? A story where I need to convince myself that everything is under control? Or a story where I acknowledge the complexity of my experience and simultaneously see the strength and values that already exist within me?
Narrative therapy offers the tools to help individuals identify:
• moments of resilience,
• the values they wish to uphold,
• the connections they desire to build,
• the life they want to write from now on.
Addiction has a strong voice, but not the only one. Addiction may whisper ‘I’m in control’ to remain invisible. But our own voice is not lost. When we begin to discern it, it can speak something much more truthful:
“I choose the story that supports me. And I take steps towards it.”
This is not excessive self-confidence.
It is the essence of change.
